


grey / phan

by sydandstars



Category: Phan
Genre: Grey, M/M, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-02-07 12:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12840717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sydandstars/pseuds/sydandstars
Summary: Ever since Daniel was a small child, the sky turned to grey and he weather remained the same: seasonal temperature with occasional rain. Ever since this happened, the town seemed the same to everyone. They would wake, work, then sleep. Dan gains severe depression and almost ends his life until one boy full of colour comes by and changes it.





	1. prologue

"Mummy," Dan asked as he looked up at his mother, "Why is there no colour in the sky anymore?" 

"No one knows, Daniel. It just happened one day," she said with tears in her eyes.

"Well my friend Margot said her mother told her it was because heaven needed more room," Dan said. 

His mum chuckled. "Maybe so,"

 

"I love you, Dan. Don't be like this." My boyfriend Chad says.

"Fuck you. I'll act how I want. After what you did, I don't even want to breathe the same air as you." I yell at him.

"Chill out man. I'm the only reason you're family is surviving. Daddy's money works wonders." He goes in to kiss me when I slap him.

"Get your filthy hands off of me! You've touched me enough. I'm tired of you touching me! Rapist!" He looks at me like I'm the one who abused him for months. I kept saying no but he didn't listen. "You abused your privilege. You think you can get whatever you want, but you can't."

"Let's not throw that word around. What can I say, it's not rape if you like it. Now, let's have some fun." He pushes me on his couch and holds me down. I scream in agony. I tried kicking before, but it only makes what’s coming worse. All I can do is take it and hope to die.

 

"Dan can you come here please," I hear my dad say. I run downstairs from my bedroom to the kitchen table where he sits. He has Polaroid pictures of my and my ex boyfriend. He sighs, "I didn't know thirteen year olds could be gay. You should've told me sooner," he gets up. I feel tears well up in my eyes. 

"Are you angry at me?" I turn to him. 

"No, but it could take some getting used to."

 

"Well leave then! You obviously don't care about me, if you did you would at least say happy birthday!" I shout in her face. I'm becoming a monster.

"Are you still petty about that? It's almost December, Dan."

"That's even worse! Can't I just get some attention in this house? I don't want to see you anymore. Leave!"

"Maybe I will leave you ungrateful fucker! I do care!" She snapped back at me, grabbing her keys.

"I beg to differ, bitch!" I run upstairs and cry on my bed. I hear her car start. This was our first fight, and I meant nothing I said. I hope she doesn't hurt herself. I never got to tell her I love her. I never said sorry.

 

I hear my father pounding on the door. " Dan you have to come to the funeral. It's what mum would have wanted. I fill the tub with water. I get into comfy clothes and grab the box of razors. 

"Let me take a bath, alright?" I step in the tub and turn the faucet off. I hear Adrian's voice behind the door, 

"Daddy said to be out the bath by noon. I look out the window above the tub, still clouds. I take a razor out of the box and roll up my sleeves. 

"See you soon, mum. Sixteen years was all I needed."


	2. one

∆phil∆

"Are you exited?" My mum looked over at me. 

"Hell yeah," I said as I banged the roof of the moving truck with my fist. 

"Settle down now, Phillip. I heard this town isn't as nice as our old one," she said with a sigh. 

"What do you mean," I ask her. She hasn't brought this up before. 

"Well, they haven't had a sunny day in ten years, for starters. The suicide rates have gone up since then, but we already bought the house so no going back." She tuned on the A/C. 

"Well that's depressing. I'm sure I can make it better," I say as rain drops patter the windshield. 

"That's my boy."

 

"That's the last of them," I say plopping down a box labeled 'genealogy papers'. My mother got a job as a genealogist about five years ago. I look up at the other boxes piled in the living room. This will take awhile. 

"I heard a young man named Dan lives down the block on Marmalade Drive. What crazy street names this neighbourhood has. I think you should go meet him" She picks up her crochet hook and starts making something.

I look down on the address my mom gave me. It says 2022 Marmalade Drive. I look up and see a young woman in the yard of the house I'm looking for. I start to approach her. "Um excuse me," I mutter. She turns around and wipes her forehead. 

"Oh hi. My name is Melissa. I'm just working on my succulents." She shakes my hand. "What brings you here?" She's wearing jean Capri's and a baseball tee. 

"Um, I'm new in the neighbourhood and I wanted to meet the neighbours. I live down the road in the cyan house," I say when I realise she has a son. "I think my mum mentioned there was a boy my age who lives here. Is he your son?" I cross my arms. 

"Yes! Daniel Howell. My boyfriend's son. He's in the hospital right now, a very clumsy boy." She takes off her gardening gloves and stuffs them in her pocket. Maybe not her son. "Well I can give you my number to give to your mum. Maybe we can meet up for tea. How's she like?" I take out my phone and make a new contact so she can give me her number. 

"Well, she's a mum," I say not really knowing what to say. I manage to get her to giggle. 

"You must be the family charmer. I never got a name from you, by the way," she says with a smile. 

"I'm Phil." She hands me my phone back. I slide it in my pocket. I'm about to walk away and say goodbye when she opens her mouth. My my. 

"How's dad like? Dan's father is very strict, but he's perfect for me," she says. Wow, how do I tell her? Just do it. 

"Um, he died a few years back while he was on the way home."

I wipe away a tear. I feel her arms around me. "Its OK. I know the feeling." She steps away. 

"I think I should be heading home. Mum things, you know." I start to step away as she waves. 

"Nice meeting you, Phil. I'll text you when Dan gets home. Do you want his Kik? Whatever that is." She steps toward me. I nod and open my notes and hand her my phone. She types in his username and hands it back. We bid our farewells and I head home.


	3. two

∆dan∆

I wake up in my hospital bed, bandages on my arms. I don't want to he here. I should be dead. I hear my phone ding. Its Kik. God is it that chav again? I pick up my phone. Philgon wants to chat. I open the app and click accept.

D: Hello? Who is this?

P: umm I'm ur new neighbour. I'm Phil Lester

D: r u like a pedo

P: noo lol I'm ur age I think. I'm 16

D: yea u r

P: y r u in the hospital

D: who told uu???

P: Melissa

D: ugh witch

P: she's v nice BTW

D: the doctors I should be out today.

P: y r u in the hospital

D: its kind of a long story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter sorry lmao


	4. three / tw

P: I'm ready lol

D: so me and my mom were very close when I was younger. She was like my self. An undescribable bond. One day, she went out and didn't come back. My dad told me that she had been found in a ditch mutilated. I can't believe Im tell you this I'm in tears rn omg. Anyway, I was devastated. I became toxically suicidal and depressed. *Triggers begin* After a day we had to go to her funeral. I couldn't see her again. Not mortally. The day of her funeral, I tried to commit suicide. I set the note on the toilet next to me, got in the tub and made thirteen slits up my arms and chest. If it weren't for my little brother Adrian I would be with my mother, wherever she is. *Triggers end*

Read...

D: I get that was much. I'm sorry. You probably hate me now.

P: What hospital room are you in?

D: wow a visit thanks dad 

D: its on the sixth floor across from the desk. if u say you want too see Dan they'll let you in it worked for my family

P: that's cos its your family u Dingus

D: r u texting while driving

P: no eye used the Siri fuck

D: fuck?

P: I ran over a pothole

D: im driving here I sit cursing my government for not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement

P: wot

D: just lyrics

D: don't die talking to me im not worth it.

P: *siiiiiigggggghhhhh* yes u r

P: k I'm on the lift see u now

Philgon has signed off


	5. four

∆dan∆

I set my phone down when a dashing young man walks in. "You must be Philgon." I sit up in my hospital cot. He pulls up a chair next to me. 

"Hey, guy I just met who told me his life story" he sighed and put his hands in his palms. He looks nervous. I hold my head in my hands. He's kinda cute. Oh god he looked up. "I think we could be friends," Phil mumbled. 

"I think you shouldn't make assumptions Mr. Phil." We stare at each other when a nurse comes in the room. 

"Hello Daniel and friend. You are very lucky to be alive, young man. I see you already visit Dr. Trenton every Sunday so if you stay with him on your schedule you have now you should be fine to go home. Keep your wounds dressed and talk to people when you need to. Farewell!" She walked out the room and pumped some hand sanitiser. 

"I can ride you home if you want." He helped me stand up. 

"How about we go to your house. I'd like to meet your mum,"

I step into his car. It's an SUV. Very nice. "Is this your car? It's very classy," I say staring at his profile. 

"Yeah. My dad bout it for my mum before he died but she doesn't drive anywhere so she gave it to me when I turned sixteen. I think it's standard," he said while wearing sunglasses? Does he know there's been no sun here for a decade? "I find it perplexing that I was going to meet a boy I only talked to once on Kik and then you asked me out. Do you do this with all your little boyfriends?" He glances at me while turning into our neighbourhood. 

"I'm not gay! I also didn't ask you out, I probably don't like you," I retort. 

"I know you do. You probably have a big gay crush on me," he says as he pulls into his driveway. I look down when I realize I'm still in my hospital gown. 

"Umm Phil? Do you have some clothes I could borrow?" I unbuckle my seatbelt. 

"Sure." 

 

We walk to his front door. He opens the door for me. It leads straight to his living room. There are still boxes in the hallway. I follow him to what seems to be his mums office. 

"Mum! This is Dan he might spend the night," Phil said looking at a middle aged woman in a chair. She turned around and smiled. 

"Is this your new friend, Philly?" She came over and hugged me. Orange peels? I hug her back and follow Phil to what in assume is his room. We go upstairs and enter his room. A large bed in the corner and about six boxes. 

"It's not much yet. Also, sorry I said you were staying the night. Words fall out sometimes and I don't bother catching them," he says. I see him dig through a box labeled pj's and hands me sweatpants and a Muse tee. I take the clothes. 

"I'll text my parents while I get dressed," I say while walking to the bathroom across his room. I take off the nasty gown and put on the clothes. They smell like him: Lynx. I pull up my texts to Melissa.

D: hey Melissa can I span the night at Phil's 2night  
M: sure honey! Now I can put cacti in your room  
D: noo lol  
M: jkjk  
M: if u need anything call me or dad k  
D: k bye

I take this time to snoop around his bathroom. It's not much yet, but there is a box next to the loo labeled "Phil stuff". I open it and look at the different toiletries. Deodorant, nail varnish, condoms? Ew? He better not be a fuck boy. I put his, um, things down when I see a prescription bottle it reads:

Lester, Philip. Antidepressants. Take as needed? Phil has depression? I see two other bottles. Anti-psychotics and another kind of depression meds. Poor Phil. That's probably why he's so happy, to mask the pain. I put everything back like it was and go to his room.


	6. five

∆phil∆

Dan walks into my room wearing my clothes. "You look stunning, Daniel." He walks towards me, arms covering his stomach. Is he insecure? I think he's beautiful. 

"Just call me Dan." He walks over and sits on my bed next to me. He fumbles with his thumbs. There's a long pause until I decide to break the silence.

"Daniel, do you like yourself? Because I like you." Dan looks at me. 

"To answer your question, no. I hate everything about myself. I'm a burden to my family that doesn't even like me, my dad secretly hates me just because I'm gay, yes I'm gay, I'm bullied, harassed, and now you're here trying to act all happy but deep down, you're broken like me. I'm tired, Phil."

Dan breaks down in tears. "Dan, I'm sorry." I try to console him.

"Everyone's fucking sorry." He lays down on my bed. I get up, thinking he needs space. I get my blankets out of the box they're in and put them at the end of the bed. 

"If you get cold, you can use these, I don't mind. I'll give you some space." I walk out of the room to go help my mom. I don't care what he says, he will be my best friend, at least.

"Phillip! How's your friend?" She asked trying to install the television. 

"He's taking a nap. 'Doctor's orders'," I say walking to the kitchen. I'm hungry, but I decide not to eat. I look at the oven. Its eight already. "Mom? What's for dinner?" I walk to the living room. The t.v. is mounted and she's working on the couch. Holy shit. She wiped her brow, 

"Um, I don't really know right now. Maybe you can fix some of that chicken soup I got from the mart." She slid the couch against the wall. That doesn't sound too bad, so I take out a couple cans. I put the soup and water in a pot and let it cook. I walk up to see if Dan is okay. The door cracks open and I see him snuggled up on my bed. 

"Hey mom, take over the soup I'm not hungry," I yell down the stairs. 

 

I walk into my room and close the door lightly. Its dark outside already, the street light shining on his face. I inch towards him when he wakes up. "Hey Dan, are you feeling better?" I sit at the end of the bed, him against the wall. 

"Not really. I hate opening up." He starts to tear up. 

"Dan, you're safe here. We all have problems." I get under the covers and hug him. "Is this okay? For me to sleep with you?" I ask him. He nods. I lay down trying to not disturb him when he wraps his arms around me and and looks me in my eyes.

"It's okay. In this moment, for once, I'm okay." He lays his head on my chest.

Then we fall asleep.


	7. six

∆dan∆

I wake up, I don't know what time. I feel warmth on my body. Phil's embracing me, my head on his slightly muscular chest. He's wearing a white tee and boxers. Damn, it still smells like him. I look up at his face. Oh no he's hot. His hands are on my back. I want to fall back asleep, but its starting to get light outside, so I don't bother. I try to get out of bed without waking him up, but both of those plans fail when I realise my leg is wrapped around him.

"Dan? Awake already, I see." He chuckled dryly. I let out a sigh while I sit up against the wall. He does the same. I lean my head against his shoulder.

"Phil."

"Dan."

"I like you a little."

"I know."

 

*3 days later. This takes place during winter break currently if you didn't catch on*

I walk around the forest near my house when I hear a familiar voice.

"Dan! It's mummy. I missed you" I turn around to see my mum deep in the forest.

"Mum!" I bolt towards her and hug her. I haven't felt her in so long. "I can't believe you're here."

"Help me, Dan." She says with an empty voice. I step back in horror when I realise I'm covered in blood. Her blood. We're suddenly on the highway. Not again. She's on the hood of her car from being blasted through the windshield. I remember this like it was yesterday. I remember hearing about it on the news. I ran as fast ask could. I ran for what seemed like decades when I finally got there. But alas, my feet were too slow. She was dead by the time I had gotten there. No. No! This isn't fair. I walk towards her but I am ushered away. I got on my knees and cried. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell her I'm sorry.

I wake up sweating and crying, Adrian shaking me awake. "Danny, are you okay? I was taking a wee when I saw you crying. It's early in the morning" he yawned. The clock read 1:57. 

"I'm so sorry Adrian. Just go back to bed." He dragged his feet go his room upstairs. He was gone almost instantly, but all I could do was cry.

D: Phil

P: Dan? What's wrong?

D: I had a bad dream. I can't sleep. Canyon pick me up

D: can you*

P: uhh sure

I walk out the house on the front porch, waiting for Phil. I don't know why I'm doing this, but it just feels right. A couple minutes later, Phil drives up and I get in the passenger's seat. 

"Just start driving. I don't care where just drive." Phil does what I say.

"Dan, what's going on? Are you in danger?" Phil turned out of the neighborhood and started to head towards the freeway.

"I'm fine. I just need someone to talk to right now." I looked at Phil. His eyes were on the road but he looked anxious for my response. "I had a dream where I was watching my mother die. It wasn't a dream it was a nightmare. I was there on the highway and I watched her die, just like the first time." I feel a tear run down my cheek.

"Your mother died on the highway? My father died like that. On the highway. I was in the backseat, crying. My parents were arguing about getting a divorce when it happened. The car was his by a drunk driver. All I remember is screaming and blood, then I blacked out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. They said I couldn't go to my own father's funeral." He pulled to the side of the road and started to cry. "It's not fucking fair Dan." He honked the horn, "Its not fair."

I lay my head on his shoulder. "It's never fair. You just have to work through the bad parts with someone. Or you'll end up like me." I look at my cuts. "Don't be me, Phil. People love you too much." 

He wipes his eyes. "Thanks, Dan. Let's go drive somewhere safe, like that abandoned parking lot. Is that okay?" He looks at me.

"That sounds amazing."

 

We pull into the lot ten minutes later. He stops the car. "What now?" He leans back in his chair and looks at me. I lean in a little closer.

"I don't know." I giggle. He presses his forehead against mine and tangles his fingers into mine. It feels like a kiss is going to happen, but it doesn't. We just sit there for a bit when he pulls away. I let out a little whimper. He must have heard it, because he doesn't let go of my hand.

"I really like you, Dan. I didn't say it before, but it do."

"I know."


	8. seven

∆phil∆

I start the car to get out of the parking lot, still holding his hand. Instead of driving right away, we just sit and enjoy each other's existence. A few minutes later, Dan breaks the silence, "Why don't we goto my house?" He suggests.

"My mom might be pissed but okay." I turn around and head toward our neighborhood.

We arrive at his house a few minutes later. I park the car in the driveway and we get out of the car. "Just follow me and be quiet." He takes my hand and walks me to the door. When he opens it, he looks at me and presses his finger against his lips. My hand's starting to get clammy from us holding hands for hours. He leads me to what seems like the basement, but it must be his room. He turns on the light.

"You can lay on my bed, I need to take my meds." He flicks on the bathroom light.

"You take meds t-" I stop myself, "You take meds?" He walks into the bathroom and opens the medicine cabinet. Orange bottles, like mine.

"Yeah. Fluvoxamine, Centrax, Gabapentin. They're supposed to help. I guess they make life bearable." Familiar names. He puts one of each in his hand and takes them dry. Damn. He brushes his teeth and I relax in his bed. Smells good.

A few minutes later, he comes out of the bathroom. He turns off the ceiling light, the room only luminated by his alarm clock and a lava lamp in the corner of the room. He sits at my feet.

"Are you gay?" He traces the moles on my leg and looks me in the eye. I can barely see his rounded features. I start to chuckle when I realise he isn't joking.

"I can't really say. I've never even kissed a guy." I put my hands behind my head. Dan crawled up to my hips and put one leg on each side of me. I start to get aroused.

"Well today's your lucky day." He cradles my head in his hands and starts kissing my neck. I moan quietly as I grab his ass. "Fuck Phil, you're experienced." He continues to kiss my neck. I hope this doesn't leave hickeys.

"Women do the same thing, Dan." He moves up my neck and we finally touch lips. Its nothing rough, but it doesn't need to be. Its almost orgasmic. Dan is perfect in every way, I don't know why he can't see that. He pulls away from the kiss.

"You love me right?" He looks at me with those perfect mocha eyes.

"Of course, but I will tell you one thing. If you think you're gonna top, you're insane." I flip him over and do what he did with his body. I manage to make him giggle. I smash my lips into his when I feel something take over me. Almost like I'm in charge. He let's me do all the work as I pin his arms to the bed. This time it isn't love, it's lust, and I can't control myself.

As we make out, I make my way down his sweatpants and start palming his member through his pants. He pulls away. "Phil, stop. I don't think I'm ready yet." I get up off of him and sit next to him.

"I'm sorry." I stay my distance.

He slips off his pants revealing his pastel blue boxer briefs. "Its fine, there's no way you could have known." There's a silence. "Who told you to stop?" He flashed me a seductive smile and I laughed. I assumed my previous position, and he grabs my T-shirt and kisses me again. I finally taste his lips. Cherry lip balm. 

I get up off the bed when he whimpers. "Hold on, babe." I pull my jeans and T-shirt off and throw them to the side.

"You're so fucking perfect. I don't deserve someone like you in my life." Dan remarks. Is he mental?

"Of course you do. I'd be miserable if I never met you." I lay down next to him. How can I make him feel wanted, needed, loved? I snuggle him like the other night. 

"This look familiar?" I say as I wrap my legs around him. He laughs. I love his laugh. I love his smile. I love the way he walks. I love his curly hair. I love his personality.

I love Daniel James Howell.


	9. eight

∆dan∆

"Dan! Wake up!" Phil shakes me awake. I wake up. He has worry plastered on his face.

"What's happening?" I stand up and he grabs my hand. We run and get into his car.

"Phil! Where are we going?" He's not looking at me. 

"Phil? Where are you taking me? Where are we going?" I shake his shoulder. No response.

"I love you too much to tell you." He says not looking away from the steering wheel. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I look at all the roadsigns as we drive. I'm oddly calm. Maybe its because I trust him.

An hour later, we stop on the side of a bridge. He escorts me out of the car and leads me to the edge, holding my hand. The lights of the night surround us as we kiss softly.

"Dan, let's jump." He drags me closer and closer to the edge. I don't want to go.

"Stop! I don't want to die like this! Phil please!" I plead for him to stop but he won't listen.

"Let's do it." He jumps off the edge, dragging me with him. I'm so angry, but I love him more than ever. I can't feel a bottom. Where's his warmth? I look over to him but he's gone. Is this a dream? I scream for help. Someone! Save me! I'm falling!

I scream myself awake, waking Phil up, too. Thank god he's here. I start to cry on an already wet spot on his chest. Either from my sweat or tears.

"Honey, what's wrong?" He sits me up and protects me in his arms. I'm in a better place already. The clock reads 4:06 am.

"Another nightmare I think." I sniffle and hug him tight. He's so kind to me. I reach over to turn on the light on my bedside table. A cozy orange glow fills the room. "I'll be fine. Talking helps."

"OK, um, what happened earlier when you didn't want to have sex?" He looked down at the corner of my bed. No. Not again. The memories come flooding back. Muffled screams. Bruises. Pain. Pure, unfiltered pain.

"I was abused by my first partner. He used me everyday, but I kept saying no. Its nothing you would have known." I stammer.

"I'm so sorry, Dan. You still trust me, right?" He looks guilty. Look what I've done.

"Of course I trust you. Don't ever think I don't trust you or don't love you, because I do. I just need some time to heal." I kiss him softly. He starts to giggle when I pull away. He picks me up and drops me on the bed. I laugh loudly. He's play wrestling me. Two can play that game. I jump on top of him and sit on his bare chest.

"Aah! I can't breathe, Danny!" He pushes me off of him and I lay flat on my face.

"Phil Lester still remains victorious!" He topples over next to me and we both share a chuckle session.

"Hey, you should be getting home unless you want your mom to beat your ass. He looks at the clock and starts to put his clothes back on.

"You're probably right. I had a lot of fun tonight, Daniel. You've helped me discover who I am, so just remember you are important." He lightly treads up the stairs, and like that he was gone. I turn the light off and grab the shirt he gave me. I love him so much.


	10. nine

phil

I close to door to my room. My mom fell asleep in her office, so I got by unnoticed. I got under the covers and pulled out a shirt I swiped from him. It smells like him: cologne with a touch of sweetness. Best of both worlds, which flawlessly describes his personality. He's mysterious yet charming and submissive. Holding his shirt, I slowly fall into slumber. 

I wake up around two in the afternoon. This isn't unusual for me, though. My mom's used to it. I check my phone. One new text from dan. I open Kik and go to our texts. 

dan: i just wanted to tell you I had fun last night and I would do it again if I could :) 

philgon: same here. I'm so lucky I found you <3 

dan: yeah

philgon: dan? 

dan: yeah 

philgon: can I ask you something? 

dan: anything 

I tense up. He's gonna hate me. He'll think I don't like him. I shut my brain up and ask anyway. 

philgon: do you really love me? 

dan: what? 

philgon: I'm sorry 

dan: no, you're fine. of course I love you. I could never be with anyone else in the same way 

philgon: idk. I'm always doubting myself. 

dan: you don't seem like the person to be anything but happy 

philgon: I know you looked through my pills. 

dan is typing... 

philgon: I'm not mad. I wouldn't know how to tell you anyway. 

dan: do you have anxiety or something? 

philgon: yeah. The meds have helped. I stopped taking them just to see what would happen. That didn't end well.

dan: you have depression too, right? 

philgon: yea. I'm pretty fucked up. 

dan: fucked up enough for me ;) 

philgon: its just nice to have someone there who understands and loves me for who I am. 

dan: you could just be a head floating in water and I would still love you. 

philgon: I don't think that's possible... 

dan: shut up I laugh. 

I love the way he makes me laugh. I decide I should eat, even though I don't want to. Barely eating and running is what gave me my body. I was thinking about letting go, but then Dan showed up. I know my lifestyle isn't good, but I can't stop. I'm addicted. I walk down the stairs when my mom stops me. Oh no. 

"Phil, you have an appointment with Dr. Murray today at three. He's a therapist nearby that's like your old one. I scheduled a time to meet with him because you're getting back into your old habits, like not talking, shutting yourself out." She put her hand on my shoulder. Why does no one understand? 

"What if there's nothing to say? Or do? Or live for?" She gives me a look, disappointment and concern. I shake her off when I realise the time. 

"Um, mom? Its 2:50. We should probably leave if were gonna be there." I try to act happy for her. She grabs her keys and we leave. I don't bother to change; I smell fine enough. 

We get in the car and we're on our way. On the way to the therapist, we pass Dan's house. I think about what we did last night and I smile. 

"Why are you smiling, Philly?" My mom looked over to me, awaiting my response. 

"Me and Dan became best friends." I say, hiding my smile with my phone. She gives me a look and turns out of the subdivision. I don't care what she thinks. I love him, and he's all that matters to me. I go back to my previous thought. I can still feel his skin against mine. His lips on my neck. The new found dominance he gave me. It felt like, for the first time, I was truly in love. Truly mesmerised by a person. Truly alive. He's like a god to me. I hope he feels the same about me. I look at my shoulders. Light coloured bruises litter them. Damn it. I try to hide them the best I can, but one of them peeks through the collar of my shirt. 

"What's that bruise on your shoulder, Phil?" My mom looms over at me. Oh shit. 

"Um, I dropped my phone while I was texting Dan." I lied, and she believed it. Or she didn't and just didn't want to talk about it. We finally pull into the clinic. I step out of the car and say my goodbyes. One full hour with this cunt. Here we go. 

 

"Tell me how you feel." He said as I shifted my seat on the slightly uncomfortable couch. I gathered my thoughts, trying to form them into sentences. 

"I was miserable at my old school, but then my mom decided to move us here after we got threats." I mutter out, holding back tears. He writes something down in his notebook. 

"I don't really like talking about it anyway." 

"Do you have anyone to talk to? About this?" He shifts in his seat a bit. I sniffle loudly. 

"There's my mum, but we don't really talk," say something about Dan. 

"Anyone else that understands you?" He writes in his notebook again. Talk about him. Say you love him. Say it. 

"I think." He leans in closer, implying for me to elaborate, "My boyfriend. His mum recently. We help each other cope, but I think he needs me more than I need him. Not that I don't need him, he's just..." I trail off.

"Maybe he's just never met someone like you before, and he wants to, what's the word, savour it." He doodles in his notebook. What a shrink this one is. 

"Possibly, but I think I'm his escape. His family life isn't exactly one would beg for. His dad doesn't like the fact he's bisexual, and his brother doesn't ever talk to him. He's often alone with his thoughts. When he's with me, someone interprets those thoughts, and responds with a new set of thoughts that he didn't even think of. Then he responds with thoughts I didn't think of, and so on. It's an amazing cycle of human thought and interpretation. Beautifully pretentious." I finally open up. Maybe this trip wasn't as bad as I thought. 

 

I tell Dr. Murray goodbye and search for my mums car. I spot it and wave to her as she opens the passenger door. 

"So, how was it?" She starts the car and drives out of the lot onto the road. 

"It was fine." I mumble, "I would go again. 

"That's good," she nods. 

"Maybe we should make it a biweekly thing. Just to spill your thoughts and have someone listen to them." She taps her fingers on the wheel. 

"Can't I just talk to Dan then? He knows me better." I shrug into my seat. The seatbelt itches my neck. 

"Not to be rude, but you've only known Dan for a couple weeks." What kind of excuse is that? 

"I've only known Dr. Murray for an hour." I retort with genuine annoyance. 

"I suppose you're right. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, Dan and his step mum are coming over Saturday for tea. You can talk to Dan then." She announces in her usual tone. 

"Peachy," I stare at my phone and decide to text Dan.


	11. ten

∆dan∆

I lay in bed, emotions all mixed up, confusing me. Why am I crying? I'm supposed to be happy. I'm more than happy, I'm ecstatic. My phone chimes. That's Phil's sound. 

philgon: hey, did u hear what's happening in a couple days? 

dan: no? 

philgon: my mom told me you and Melissa are coming over for tea. 

dan: oh yeah 

dan: she also said her and your mum would go watch that documentary at the cinema together at six. 

philgon: that's good for us (; 

dan: stop it you 

philgon: you want to go walking? 

dan: yes. I'll meet you at ur house 

philgon: k 

I take off my clothes and change into something clean. Black jeans and a Panic! T-shirt with black high tops. I don't bother to straighten my hair. I grab my jacket and head out the door, not bothering to say goodbye to my family. They'll just forget I'm gone anyway. I start walking to his house. Its just around the corner from mine. Some would call that terrifying, but I think it's just convenient. As I get closer to his house, I see him wave he walks over to me and smiles. He changed from last night, his hair a bit wavy. 

"Hello! You ready?" He grabs my hand. 

"Where are we going to, Mr. Lester?" I intertwine my fingers with his and let out a shaky breath. I still get weak when he's around me. That's true love. 

"The woods." I knew what he meant. They were about 30 metres behind his house and took up almost half the neighborhood. As we get closer, I can smell the pine leaves. Nature is truly beautiful, now I have Phil to compliment it. We walk into the woods, going further and further from other people. We don't need them. Eventually, we walk far enough for the trees to start mixing. Pine, oak, ash. They're all here. We find a spot and lay down, our fingers still weaved together. 

"Where did you even come from?" I ask him, looking at his profile. His expression goes from calm to slightly scared. Black radiation. I can feel it. 

"A bad place. School was torture. We had to move because we were getting death threats." he scratched his temple. It was obvious he didn't like the topic.

"Why?" I'm perplexed.

"I stood up for trans kids at our school after my best friend, Charles, was shot at a party for being trans." He pauses for awhile, "Are the schools better here?"

"From what you're describing, a little. The kids are still vicious but they wont kill you. Without a reason at least." School starts again in January. I don't know about where you live, but I was let off of school only a couple days before my mother died." I feel a tear run down my face, hitting the dirt beneath my head. I don't want to be sad about it, she wouldn't want me to be sad. I can't help what I feel.

"I'm sorry." Phil muttered.

"I know."

 

I lay on the floor checking my Twitter. Nothing interesting really. Just enough to keep me entertained. I get up when Adrian is sliding down the stairs.

"What do you want?" I sit on my bed. I don't really like him. I don't really like kids that aren't mine. It's alright, though. He doesn't like me either.

"I heard what you did with your little boyfriend yesterday." He smirks, "If you don't pay up, I'll tell dad. You know how he thinks about your kind."

"Is that how he's raising you?" I ignore his hurtful words. I don't want Dad to find out, though. "How much do you want?"

"I wont go lower than twenty." I chuckle. He must think that's a lot. I walk over to my wallet and grab $25 out of it, just to be safe. He grabs the cash out of my hand leaves. I grab my phone to text Phil.

dan: my brother just blackmailed me for being gay

philgon: ha thats hilarious

dan: should i be scared?

philgon: how old is he?

dan: 8

philgon: thats ripe

dan: gn xo

philgon: good night xoxoxooxoxoxoxo


	12. eleven

UGH I WANT TO REWRITE THIS WHOLE STORY IT'S SO TERRIBLE


End file.
